Monday, December 8, 2008

closing back up.



ugh, reading my blog posts you'd think I was bi-polar, but i'm not, I just usually like to blog when I'm either really happy about something or really sad/angry. This is one of those sad/angry times.

It's funny, because my dad told me before ( a year or so ago ) he wants me to start talking to him about guys I like and who I'm interested in and pretty much the gay side of my life, which I pretty much keep isolated from my family/homelife, simply because it's almost nonexistent.

But the ONE evening I'm ready to go downstairs and talk to my dad about guys, the ONE night I need to discuss with him some things and hopefully get his input/advice/guidance/whatever the fuck you want to call it, The ONE night I'm ready, he decides to go off on me.

I've blogged about this before and I'm not about to get myself angry by getting into again, look through my old blogs. My parents like to go mad over the most insignificant shit possible. Sure, it may be annoying, but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter, to a well-adjusted person it doesn't matter, and they don't seem to pay too much attention to anything positive I do..

Anyway, simply put, the one night I was about to open up to my dad and talk to him in a way that I almost never do, he decides to act a fucking fool and yell over some really stupid crap. LOL, like I'm ever going to open up to him now. I guess that's what friends are for.

I'm grateful for the friends that I have who listen to me, without them, I wouldn't know who to turn to.

Thank you.

And thanks Dad, for showing me the value of my friendships and how much I need to appreciate them when you act like that.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

another twitter blog.



my father is beginning to trust me more than ever. Especially when I go out with friends. it's astonishing, and makes me so happy.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

[ x ]






Despite the awesome day earlier, cruel reality slapped me in the fucking face tonight.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Music Scenes.




I love the whole "sense" of community one can get from just about anything.

One of the types of communities I love most though is the music community.

Music artists hooking up and doing shows together, doing side bands/projects together, collaborating on songs/albums, it's fucking fascinating. I really wish I was a musician. Maybe I should try to be a musician, I often come up with tunes and lyrics in my head by never really write them down. I have a guitar and an amp that I don't know how to use. I wish I had a synth/keyboard though... maybe I'll get lucky this Christmas?

A friend of mine, who's going to college now, sent me a message today. We had gone to the same high school in Kentcuky, and I moved away to Ohio and he moved away to Brazil (i know, right?). He told me he was back in town (Louisville, KY), and that him and another musical schoolmate of mine were playing some shows together and that I should come :) This made me soooo fucking jealous.

Not only because they were back in Louisville and I'd love to live there again, but because they were both awesome live musicians collaborating together and i LOVE that.

I wish I could go to one of their shows. I'm putting links to their myspaces at the end of this blog. Check them out. Listen to their stuff. And add them as friends.

I really want to get a synth/keyboard. I've made full-length songs using certain computer programs before, but now I want the real thing.

Anyone wanna start a band with me? :)

http://www.myspace.com/campanilemusic

http://www.myspace.com/mowgliandtherobotaffair

Friday, November 7, 2008

The Start Of My Book.

The floor was cold, wet, and hard. My head throbbed and ached with searing pain as I struggled to lift my eyelids open. Once I fully awoke, I tried to focus on something. Anything.

There was an intensely bright fluorescent light hanging from the ceiling above. The walls of this strange space were made of concrete. As I focused harder on the walls, I noticed that there were deep scratches in them, and I’m quite sure I spotted a fingernail.

There was the distinct smell of mildew and urine in the damp air. It was putrid and burned my nostrils with every breath I took. Each time I inhaled my lungs filled with the vile, noxious air. After only a few moments I started to taste it

I turned around on my back and looked up at the white-hot light I was under. As I moved, I heard the familiar sound of chains rubbing across the floor. I was chained to the ground. My wrists, rubbed raw from the coarse, rough, rusted iron wristbands that imprisoned me, felt numb.

While my entire body ached with pain, the top of my left palm hurt especially. I didn’t care about that right now. I stared at the blinding light trying to think. Trying to remember.

How did I end up here?

After what seemed like an eternity of vacant staring, it all started to come together.

I stood on the domed-roof of a large building with a knapsack slung over my shoulder. This structure was old. It stood out amongst the towering mountain range of glass and metal that made up the modern metropolis surrounding me.

We were at the Grand Archives of Bismaad, the most extensive and detailed library of records in the solar system. It was one of the oldest structures in this city, and certainly one of the most secure. Bismaad was one of the many cities dotting the planet of Jol, the second most populous in the solar system.

It was a cool, crisp night. Most of the city was asleep; it was after curfew. I swiftly flipped open the tele-panel on my forearm to contact the crew.

“You guys done yet?”

There was a few seconds of static before I received a garbled reply from a grouchy voice.

“Yes! Yes! Quit bugging us! We just set the explosives. We’re heading back up to the roof now.”

His name was Apatar, a large muscular man with a very defined jaw line and a seemingly perpetual scowl on his face. His shoulder length jet-black hair was tied back in a ponytail, and he wore the uniform of The Scarlet Force, the sub rosa interplanetary crime brotherhood we were apart of.

The uniform was simply a tight black jumpsuit, red goggles, and the Force’s insignia printed across the back. The insignia was the image of a red triangle with a large ‘S’ stretched across it.

Although we’ve all worn the uniform at one point or another, none of us took it too seriously, and most agents wore their everyday clothes when out on missions. Apatar was a pedantic stickler for the most insignificant rules. He had always poured all of his time and energy into the Force’s operations. None of us knew about his life prior to joining. He was a bitter man, always clinging more to robots than humans. One could never speak a word to him without expecting a harsh, caustic reply.

He was accompanied by one of the Force’s many robots. Ever since the Scarlets took over the technologically advanced metropolis planet of Gor, the brotherhood has had an army of robots to do a variety of tasks, ranging from nursing to warfare. Apatar was joined by a lock picking bot that aided him with setting explosives in key spots in the building.

Our mission: bring the whole thing down. There was to be nothing left of the Grand Archives of Bismaad but a smoking heap of rubble.

Apatar and I weren’t quite sure why the archives needed to be destroyed. In fact, one rarely was told why they needed to carry out a mission, or what the significance was, we simply did what we were ordered to do.

“Quite yer daydreamin’ and lower the goddamn rope!” shouted Apatar.

I glanced down an opening in the roof to see him with the robot, angrily staring up at me while tapping his foot. The bastard.

I reached for the coil of rope beside the opening and began to lower it down to him. Once it reached ground-level he quickly began to climb.

“About fucking time, Van! This thing is set to blow in less than a minute! Quit standing there like an idiot and make yourself useful.” Apatar barked as he reached the roof and handed me his supplies to put into the knapsack.

Once we packed all the tools, I began climbing down the side of the building. It was quite easy to get up here, the sides of the building were tiered and almost like a tall staircase. It was a stupid mistake in architecture to make for this very important building. As I reached the first tier down from the roof, I noticed Apatar wasn’t coming along. I climbed back up to see where he had gone. There was no sign of him on the roof so I peered down the opening.

Apatar had just lowered himself back into the archives and had put the robot in one of his arms.

“Just leave the damn thing! We gotta get out of here, fast!!!” I shouted to him.

“This is a very expensive unique bit of machinery! I’m not leaving it to blow up!” he exclaimed.

“We have a whole horde of them back in Gor! Just leave it!” I screamed.

“No! Quick! Pull me up!!!”

As I tugged the rope, desperately trying to pull my deranged comrade up, I couldn’t help but notice the countdown on my tele-pad. Thirty seconds left. We couldn’t make it.

“Hurry you fucking idiot!!!” I heard Apatar scream as I heaved the rope as much as I could.

Only ten seconds remained. I didn’t have time. I didn’t know what to do. Why the hell did I have to be in this horrible situation?!

I chose to try to escape with my life. I let the rope slip from my grasp, and I ran to the edge of the building. I didn’t hear a sound from Apatar, but I knew he was aware of the choice I made.

My tele-pad started beeping wildly, and I leapt from the edge of the roof. I was flying through the air. Everything seemed to be in slow-motion. I gazed down at the deserted city street that stretched below me. I heard a loud boom, and a burning heat on my back that seemed to push me with the force of a barbarous stampede. I started to fall. I was falling into blackness.

The white-hot intensity of the light seemed to be burning my retina.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

The Day.





History was made today and i will never forget it :)

The chapter of American history when a "black man can't do this" or a "black man will never be that successful" is over: Barack Obama was elected President of the United States.

Sure, he's actually biracial, but he's a an of color, and by 2050 minorities will be the majority of this wonderful country.

Today has been wonderful. I'm glad I was around to see it.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Joblessness.


Yep, I still ain't got no job. Just got home about an hour ago from putting in an application somewhere again. Wish me luck.

My family isn't doing so well in the financial department, and money around here has been tight, I hope things work themselves out soon. I've been on welfare before, it's not fun.

I actually made a decent video late last night and I'm proud of myself :-)

The show I was supposed to be apart of at school totally got canceled, so now I have a lto of free time, which helps a lot even though the cancellation was kind've disappointing, I'm over it. Unlike many of my Drama Club/acting peers, I don't desire to have a career as a performer at all, really. I'd much rather be someone who writes, shoots, edits, and develops concepts for films. Tuesday is a Shakespeare recitation contest though, and I'm nervous as FUCK about it. Oh god, I hope I do OK. Really I'm only in it because my drama teacher sort've pressured me into it and I'd like to win a trip to New York :P

You could cut the tension in the air with a knife at my house. I don't know, my dad has been under a lot of stress lately so I can attribute a lot of the way he's been behaving to some issues, but sometimes I can't help but feel like the way he reacts to certain things is inexcusable. I hope things lighten up soon, I don't like being on-edge in my own goddamn home.

I kind've want the job just so I can be independent and show my parents that I"m slowly moving away from them. I want to have my own money, no matter how little it is, and have more freedom. I still need to take the test for my driver's permit and I've been procrastinating with that. Most of my friends want a car really bad and really, I could care less. A car is jsut one more thing I don't need that I'll have to pay for. I kind've want a moped or something small that'll get me across town when I don't feel like being at home (the feeling has become more and more commonplace these days...) , but that's about it.

About to play on my PS3 with my brother, yay sibling bonding? We talkedo n the walk home from the store we both applied to, I like talking to my brother and us actually being OK with each other, I wish we were like that more often.

I hope I don't have any homework tonight. G'night gang.

Monday, September 22, 2008

The Confusion.





Life has been up and down since my last blog, currently up :-)

I've been getin' lazy as you can tell (my two readers, lol) and I apologize. I actually just thought about shuttin' down this blog and sticking with vlogs, but I convinced myself not to.

As of late, nothing really exciting has been going on that I haven't mentioned in a video. I do have a question for ya'l though, and I might not vlog about this:

The other day I was out and I saw* a fairly attractive guy, so of course I was gawking like a creep (not really, but I was checking him out.) And then after hearing his voice, I realized it was a girl! :O

Well, I was quite shocked but also amused. That still didn't change the fact that I thought she was hot, because she was.

Now, I've been identifying myself as being gay, but what does that experience make me exactly? I THOUGHT she was a guy so I thought she was pretty hot, but then she wasn't and I still thought she was hot.

Without sounding too perverted, but after I'm in a long-term commmitted relationship with someone, I eventually plan on having sex (sometime before i die.. x_x"). I just can't find a woman's "parts" atractive, in any way shape or form. Ew.

So my question is, am I still really gay? What does it mean if I like a girl because I thought she was a guy but after I found out the truth, she was still hot.


confusing stuff, and I'm not entirely sure how to word it without it sounding even more confusing.

Monday, August 25, 2008

The Shock and Surprise.


Someone at school youtubes.


so fucking rad.


SO fucking rad...

I'll get to posting a full length vlog one of these days... eventually... >_>"

Saturday, August 2, 2008

The Bullshit.



I honestly don't even know why I try to be the "good son" anymore.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The Pointless Drama.


My family has been a mess for a while now.

IT seems like our house is some kind of war-zone. Everyone seems to be aftereveryone else, trying to point out their screw-ups and making the biggest issue out of things while simultaneously claiming to "not care."

"Should he really have that in his room? I think you should go talk with him about it. BUt I don't care" If you don't care about something then STFU and don't bring shit up. Obviously you do care if you chose to say something about it being a little nosy pest.

Lately I've been walking on eggshells around everyone in the house, including my dad, who seems ready to be angry at insignificant thigns for no reason. Me leaving a dish in the sink is a LOT less important than our dysfuncitonal family, maybe people should focus on THAT problem instead.

I've been staying in my room as much as possible these days. God I can't wait until college comes around, then i'll be free, I wish I had a job so at least I'd be out and away from this madness for a few hours everyday, but no such luck.

Oh well, I'm going to Kentucky and trying to plan a visit with my best friends soon, that should take my mind off things. The school year starting will be another nice distraction. I hope I can get a job though, at this point I just want to be away, I barely care about the money.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

The Sixteen Day Hiatus.





those are good... right?

I've actually been online for most of that time, rethinking things and reflecting on the current state of my life. A LOT of major drama has popped up in recent weeks and it's driving me mad.

My brother might get kicked out, along with my stepmother's brother, he's 50/50 with me, annoying as hell half the time, but sometimes e can be cool. My brother and I are usually annoying the hell out of each other but occasionally we're almost-sorta-semi-OK with each other.

As you can imagine, there has been plenty of yelling, tension, and awkward moments in my house during all of this. I haven't felt like myself and the past couple days my dad's been pestering me about my mood and why I've been saying life is "OK" rather than my usually answer of "pretty darn good."

Things have been eating away at me and it's not just all this drama at home, a lot of it is internal struggle and still questioning who and what I am. The last time I felt like this was when I first realized my attraction for men. I hate this feeling.

In other news, I'm going to be headed up to Louisville, KY next month, should be pretty fun as it's the only thing I've done all summer. I'm really trying to organize something with my friends, particularly my two best friends up there, Shelby and Natalie.

As I'm typing this there is a LOT of screaming in the house from my little, undisciplined brat stepsisters. On rare occasions they can be good, especially when they're around my father who doesn't take any one's bullshit, but almost any other time they're wild as fuck. Let me go shut the door..

Haven't talked to Ryan in a while on AIM or Myspace. Well, there was an exchange of comments the other day, but not the usual late-night AIM chats we've been having. If you're reading this Ryan I'M SORRY! I hope you don' think I'm blowing you of or something. I know you've been in Massachusetts and everything so you probably have been crazy busy with the fun stuff to do out there.

Gonna try to make a video tonight. I actually made one two days ago but it got interrupted because I disconnected while uploading. It was a shit video and now, looking back, I'm glad it never reached public eyes.

A subscriber found me on myspace today and sent me a message. How? I have absolutely no idea...


oh, and new song on the playlist. actually TWO new songs, both by the cure.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

.

Still unsure of how things are going to turn out. :-/

Sunday, July 6, 2008

.

I'm not sure what's going on right now. Might not have internet access for a WHILE.

I'm sorry and if my connection is lost I'll get in contact with you guys ASAP, whenever that may be.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

The Longing.

As my family and I sped towards Jacksonville Beach in our SUV at around sunset, I looked out the window and into the sky.

I stared up at the clouds for a while, admiring their beauty, the variety of warm colors slowly fading to darkness at the opposite horizon. I watched a plane slowly drift into the great red giant that was a cloud. How I longed to be up there.

Not in the plane, of course. Pressurized air, cramped seating with a sneezing, coughing, diseased little kid to my left and an elderly lady drooling on my shoulder after passing out on my right. Hell no.

The clouds themselves. To suddenly appear and become tangible, drift along with the rest of them, and eventually fade into nothingness. Or a bird, who's only real job is to eat and not die. The rest of the time spent gliding through the white fluffy wonderland in the sky. Those lucky bastards. I envy them.

I wish I could fly up into the clouds, not have a worry in my head, and just drift off. To not care where I'm going, to not care about who I'm leaving, having no earthly limitations to weigh me down.

I want to be free.

Friday, July 4, 2008

The Break.


Hey gang, haven't really been keeping up with the blog since my last post, and I apologize. I've probably lost all three of my readers.

Twiggy died, I was really depressed for a while but pulled myself together after the first day. My pets are my family and losing one of them hurts so bad. Especially considering Twiggy was my favorite pet I've ever had. It sucks, but life goes on.

As of late not much has been going on. Very hopeful about a crush I have on someone that I've been talking to online but know in-person. I'm trying not o get my hopes up too high though, considering things never work out for me. We'll see how things turn out, especially at school next year.

Not sure what I'm going to do for Independence Day today, if anything. So, bleh.

For some reason I thought I had a lot to say in this post, but really, I've already said what I needed to say and I can't think of much more. I'll be back to regular blogging after this, was just a little shaken up from Twiggy dying and stuff.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention: since nobody seems to be hiring around here, I'm gonna make myself useful seek out volunteering opportunities. Hopefully none of these will be solo and I'll meet someone cool, but if not, helping people is fun (in most cases, anyway.) I've been looking into stuff involving homeless/impoverished people and my dad also said some hospital downtown is taking volunteers. I'll keep ya'll updated.

That's in for now. Happy 4th.

PS: I just realized how many typos are still in blog after spell check. shit.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

The Fear.

Twiggy isn't eating. She hasn't been for a while.


I hope she'll be alright.


Oh god I'm so worried, I love her. I can't afford a vet.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

The Invitation.

Got an invitation so a social gathering. should be fun. One of my best friend's out here is throwing a pool party for her birthday.

Still unsure what I want to do for mine though. Kinda pissed the 1st day of school is the day after my 16th birthday. x_x" *sobs*

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The Arena.

Hmm, Season 4 has begun in World of Warcraft. Already have a team planned out with my bud i've been playing with for a couple years now :-)

Before, I vowed never to be in an arena team with a friend simply because it leads to broken friendships or even outright dislike for each other. I've lost several friends over issues regarding arena teams and the sortl; I'm the kinda guy who likes to play for FUN, not points. Apparently most people aren't the same. Being a paladin everyone wants me to be their bitch, spec Holy, and heal them 24/7.

Now, for anyone who DOESN'T play WoW who might've read this far without falling asleep: this means i'd get to spend hours watching green bars and pressing one or two buttons. As opposed to actually playing and jumping right into the action and engage in combat >:D Which is where the real fun is.

*sigh* people don't understand.

I'm sure this next season will be great though. Diemos is the coolest person I've met on WoW and I think our friendship is strong enough to have a good time in the arenas. She's not a dumbass either.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Arrival.


The wasteland was vast, the region was flat with the exception of the foothill she now stood upon.

As she gazed at the horizon and the great plain that stretched before her, she heard distant cries for help from the few survivors that laid amongst the fallen warriors. There were thousands upon thousands of corpses around her, everywhere, as far as the eye could see.

Suddenly the sky turned from it's usual dark grey to a sickening red.

It was time.

They had arrived.

She looked above as a red glowing vortex began to appear in the gloomy sky overhead.

She gripped her sword and let out a war cry.

The first of the beasts were beginning to spiral downward...

Monday, June 23, 2008

The Lurkers.

Stickam was being a bitch today, didn't let me get on at 12:30 AM as I had planned and announced on YouTube last night :'(

Eventually I DID manage to get online shortly after 2 AM. For a while I was sitting around, mic on, listening to a bunch of Arctic Monkeys songs.

LURKER AFTER DAMN LURKER CAME IN. And just stayed there... watching me!! O_O

Out of anger from stickam earlier but also anger at the whole idea of lurking, i totally flipped them off >:D

Then a dude came in, AT THE EXACT MOMENT I FLIPPED OFF THE CAMERA AND TOLD MY LURKERS OFF. THE TIMING WAS IMPECCABLE!!!

awkward as hell, rofl.

He was like "did i come in at a wrong time?" lmfao. I was embarrassed as shit, but also happy and laughing so hard.

I'm sure he got the wrong impression of me.

I'm still embarrassed, but i'd do it all over again :-)

Sunday, June 22, 2008

The Embarassment.


New vlog JUST finished uploading and is now public :) check it out.

In it i act like a buffoon for a while, listening to the popular B-52's song , Love Shack.

I hope it brightened your day at least.

Oh, and I also mentioned this blog, but I doubt any more people while comment other than Ryan, haha, and even he will probably get bored of it after a while.

The zoo was alright, roughly 5 or 6 hot guys there, which is odd becuase usually the zoo is LOADED with them, at least in Cleveland it was.

People always question why I have an eye for attractive men in public places but claim I don't ever want to have sex with someone unless I'm in a monogamous, committed, long-term relationship. Just because I noticed a guy is hot doesn't mean I want to pounce on him and.. yeah... NO! Shelby say's I'm "boy crazy" which sounds odd and although the definition might fit me, i don't find the term itself very suiting.

So yeah, more blog exposure, I'm glad I made a video because I hadn't made one in almost two weeks. During the school year that would've been acceptable because at least I was busy with things.

During summer vacation however... that's just laziness, haha. It's not like I've had vlogger's blog or anything I've had dozens of video ideas these past two weeks, just not he energy to create.

This was a crappy blog. For all my new readers, check out my vlogs from a few days ago ( scroll down to the posts before the ultra-short blog post below) and see what's been going on in my head. I hope you won't be dissapointed :P

Saturday, June 21, 2008

The Ultra-Short Post.



going to the zoo.

the end.

talk about some quality bloggin'

Friday, June 20, 2008

The Hunt.

Today was neither good nor bad, but somewhere in between.

Actually, it was tilted more towards the good side, most of the time.

Went job hunting again today, went to four or five different establishments, none of which were hiring OR were hiring anyone under aged. Which is pretty lame. The only places left immediately within decent walking distance from my house was a hair salon and a nail salon.

I definitely wouldn't be working around a nail salon, my brain is screwed up enough without noxious nail polish fumes being pumped into my bloodstream via my lungs every other second.

I'm not sure if the manager of a hair salon could trust me too long with sharp objects in my hand near someone's head. First off: I don't know how to cut hair, so that eliminates that job right there. Perhaps they're hiring for someone to clean up or something? Be a secretary and organize appointments? THAT I could do, I wouldn't mind it either, I'm hesitant to ask though. I wonder if I can use a stereotype for personal gain and tell them I'm gay to get myself hired.

Doubt it'd work.

I'm sure my desperation for money and employment has made itself obvious to you by now.

Alright, that's enough about jobs for now.

I was gonna make a video tonight but decided against it. Not for any particular reason, but I felt like logging on AIM/MSN, turning up some smooth jazz, and blogging instead :-)

As for that reminder word I left myself: rebuild.

Hmmm, I think I'll save that post for another night.

This is an odd feeling, and I'm sure this post isn't any more sturctured than my last one. Oh well.

I'm done.

PS: don't be pretentious. go listen to some Gota

adding a new song to the player, should be up in a few.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

The Escape.

WARNING: this post contains a lot of bitching.

These past couple days I've been pondering a lot over some stuff G had been saying. Every once in a while over stickam he might mention something about wanting some tangible, in-person friends, as much as he loves his internet friends (us). When he said it before I really only took it lightly but never gave it some though.

Now I have. :-/ My summer has been a drag and I thought it'd be OK with the friends I made at school before the year ended. That was my goal, actually: to make friends so I wouldn't have a shitty loner summer like my last one was. Apparently I failed.

It really sucks when you chat with a friend over the phone or myspace and they tell you about last night or last weekend they had SOOO much fun with all your other friends at some party, event, or activity that was planned but you were excluded from. I'm not being selfish or clingy, I don't care to get invited to all my friends' fun things, but for loads of people to tell you they want to hang out with you over the summer, and then go out and invite everyone in your "circle" BUT you? It's kind of sad. For me anyway.

To anyone who might be reading this who have been in my stickam room before: the way I act on stickam is EXACTLY the way I act in conversation with people. I seem to make so many friends online, but never out in the world. All my in-person friends seem to be "school" friends who I only hang out with at school or at an after school event/club, never "out." I'm just confused about the amount of people online who seem to like me for who I am and literally want to be my friend (yes, I get messages from people asking if they can be my friend.) and then nobody ever wants to hang out with me out in the real world.

Now that it's summer I'm not sure how I can make friends. Can anyone suggest anything? I'm gonna try the summer job approach and have applied at three establishments, but I haven't gotten any calls back. I'm not sure how else I can meet people because going up to people at concerts and randomly talking to them seems odd to me, does it to you?

So yeah, I'm faced with a couple dilemmas:

1. Why is it that I can be myself online and get LOADS of friends and meet amazing people, but get the opposite reaction in-person with people? I make friends, but apparently none of them ever want to hang out..

2. How do I make friends this summer so it won't be completely anti-social?

This gave me an idea for tomorrow's post. Gonna type a reminder word so I don't forget: rebuild.

ps: i didn't force myself out of my blah mood today. :-(

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The Damage.

Sometimes do you ever get in those "BLAH" moods? I do, I'm in one now.

Not sure what the cause was, last week I felt like I was on top of the world. Now It's just all over the place. Haven't felt like talking to too many people, haven't felt like making videos, haven't felt like going on stickam, leaving my room, being awake. I DO NOT KNOW WHY. One thing is for sure, tomorrow when I wake up, I'll be out of this slump, I'm going to force myself out of it.

I have been talking a little bit to a couple interesting folks though, both while remain unnamed. They both have really caught my interest and I'm sorting things out and wondering how I'm going to keep from fucking things up. Having a crush sucks, and having e-crushes sucks harder.

Over the next few days I'm going to play around in Photoshop a bit, I'm really bad at it compared to a lot of other people my age. I used to work every day with Paint Shop Pro. A lot of people think it's a mediocre program, but you can really do things just as amazing in it as Photoshop, it's just a little less flexible/versatile. Eventually I'll post some of my artwork on here.

Speaking of being versatile, why do a lot of gay guys ask other gay guys if they're a top/botom randomly? I wish it'd stop.

In my opinion I have some pretty low standards for meeting guys:

1. need to be drug-free
2. need to be smoke/alcohol-free
3. isn't interested in having sex with me anytime soon.

Notice how I have nothing regarding appearance or anything in that list, just three simple things. But 99% of the gay/bi guys I meet in person are in "violation" of at least two of these, ugh. I just want to meet a nice geeky guy who likes to read and play video games and wouldn't mind being geeky with me.

Sorry for that wild stream of thought, I'll try to be more structured next time.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The Crash.

This is where it starts. A personal online journal of whatever happens to pop up in my head or affect my life :P

Not sure how connected to YouTube this blog is going to be. I guess I can't say I've severed all connection having just linked my channel. Probably going to mention this in a video one of these days too. Just one.

But anyway, to any of you looking to read anything incredibly action-packed and entertaining, you might want to pass onto the blog next door, this blog is going to feature a lot of what goes on in my head, including artwork, photos, possibly literary art of some sort, [ DREAMS ], rants, loves, things lost, thoughts, etc. Just an online journal for me to reflect on later.

In other words, if you want to know me on an even more personal level than those who watch my YouTube videos, this is a good place to start (although I will warn you I'm a pretty strange person). I plan on blogging on a very regular basis, even more than my videos because this is a LOT easier to do. I doubt this blog will receive nearly as much traffic as my vids.

This particular post is pretty dull, pretty lame, pretty flat, and I apologize -_-" Not much going on right now. I'll post some info here though:

1. My summer has been dull and I feel bad for not getting out at ALL and doing absolutely nothing, I need to step up pretty soon.

2. Just got my grade report for the last year from school today. Seven 'A's and one 'B+' . I swear if there's some sort of deity up there in the cosmos, he or she really likes to fuck with me. This ONE B+ has stained my report card and making my dad question whether or not I'm deserving of a new MacBook to replace my tired old PC we built in our living room years ago.

3. I think I might be getting closer to a certain crush I have. I'm pretty sure he doesn't like dudes, and I'm pretty sure I'm being a hypocrite for telling people how I think crushing on straight guys is pointless, and then going back and doing it myself.

4. Stickam should be fun tonight, I've been so stressed running around town planning the awesome father's day that happened yesterday that I really didn't have the time or energy to be up all-night acting a fool in Travis' room. I also feel bad for telling Gian to get on stickam a LOT more and then the nights following, not getting on stickam myself.

Alright I'm done. And you're probably asleep.

I'll try to post every day.