The Pointless Drama.

My family has been a mess for a while now.

IT seems like our house is some kind of war-zone. Everyone seems to be aftereveryone else, trying to point out their screw-ups and making the biggest issue out of things while simultaneously claiming to "not care."

"Should he really have that in his room? I think you should go talk with him about it. BUt I don't care" If you don't care about something then STFU and don't bring shit up. Obviously you do care if you chose to say something about it being a little nosy pest.

Lately I've been walking on eggshells around everyone in the house, including my dad, who seems ready to be angry at insignificant thigns for no reason. Me leaving a dish in the sink is a LOT less important than our dysfuncitonal family, maybe people should focus on THAT problem instead.

I've been staying in my room as much as possible these days. God I can't wait until college comes around, then i'll be free, I wish I had a job so at least I'd be out and away from this madness for a few hours everyday, but no such luck.

Oh well, I'm going to Kentucky and trying to plan a visit with my best friends soon, that should take my mind off things. The school year starting will be another nice distraction. I hope I can get a job though, at this point I just want to be away, I barely care about the money.

The Sixteen Day Hiatus.

those are good... right?

I've actually been online for most of that time, rethinking things and reflecting on the current state of my life. A LOT of major drama has popped up in recent weeks and it's driving me mad.

My brother might get kicked out, along with my stepmother's brother, he's 50/50 with me, annoying as hell half the time, but sometimes e can be cool. My brother and I are usually annoying the hell out of each other but occasionally we're almost-sorta-semi-OK with each other.

As you can imagine, there has been plenty of yelling, tension, and awkward moments in my house during all of this. I haven't felt like myself and the past couple days my dad's been pestering me about my mood and why I've been saying life is "OK" rather than my usually answer of "pretty darn good."

Things have been eating away at me and it's not just all this drama at home, a lot of it is internal struggle and still questioning who and what I am. The last time I felt like this was when I first realized my attraction for men. I hate this feeling.

In other news, I'm going to be headed up to Louisville, KY next month, should be pretty fun as it's the only thing I've done all summer. I'm really trying to organize something with my friends, particularly my two best friends up there, Shelby and Natalie.

As I'm typing this there is a LOT of screaming in the house from my little, undisciplined brat stepsisters. On rare occasions they can be good, especially when they're around my father who doesn't take any one's bullshit, but almost any other time they're wild as fuck. Let me go shut the door..

Haven't talked to Ryan in a while on AIM or Myspace. Well, there was an exchange of comments the other day, but not the usual late-night AIM chats we've been having. If you're reading this Ryan I'M SORRY! I hope you don' think I'm blowing you of or something. I know you've been in Massachusetts and everything so you probably have been crazy busy with the fun stuff to do out there.

Gonna try to make a video tonight. I actually made one two days ago but it got interrupted because I disconnected while uploading. It was a shit video and now, looking back, I'm glad it never reached public eyes.

A subscriber found me on myspace today and sent me a message. How? I have absolutely no idea...


oh, and new song on the playlist. actually TWO new songs, both by the cure.

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Still unsure of how things are going to turn out. :-/

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I'm not sure what's going on right now. Might not have internet access for a WHILE.

I'm sorry and if my connection is lost I'll get in contact with you guys ASAP, whenever that may be.

The Longing.

As my family and I sped towards Jacksonville Beach in our SUV at around sunset, I looked out the window and into the sky.

I stared up at the clouds for a while, admiring their beauty, the variety of warm colors slowly fading to darkness at the opposite horizon. I watched a plane slowly drift into the great red giant that was a cloud. How I longed to be up there.

Not in the plane, of course. Pressurized air, cramped seating with a sneezing, coughing, diseased little kid to my left and an elderly lady drooling on my shoulder after passing out on my right. Hell no.

The clouds themselves. To suddenly appear and become tangible, drift along with the rest of them, and eventually fade into nothingness. Or a bird, who's only real job is to eat and not die. The rest of the time spent gliding through the white fluffy wonderland in the sky. Those lucky bastards. I envy them.

I wish I could fly up into the clouds, not have a worry in my head, and just drift off. To not care where I'm going, to not care about who I'm leaving, having no earthly limitations to weigh me down.

I want to be free.

The Break.

Hey gang, haven't really been keeping up with the blog since my last post, and I apologize. I've probably lost all three of my readers.

Twiggy died, I was really depressed for a while but pulled myself together after the first day. My pets are my family and losing one of them hurts so bad. Especially considering Twiggy was my favorite pet I've ever had. It sucks, but life goes on.

As of late not much has been going on. Very hopeful about a crush I have on someone that I've been talking to online but know in-person. I'm trying not o get my hopes up too high though, considering things never work out for me. We'll see how things turn out, especially at school next year.

Not sure what I'm going to do for Independence Day today, if anything. So, bleh.

For some reason I thought I had a lot to say in this post, but really, I've already said what I needed to say and I can't think of much more. I'll be back to regular blogging after this, was just a little shaken up from Twiggy dying and stuff.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention: since nobody seems to be hiring around here, I'm gonna make myself useful seek out volunteering opportunities. Hopefully none of these will be solo and I'll meet someone cool, but if not, helping people is fun (in most cases, anyway.) I've been looking into stuff involving homeless/impoverished people and my dad also said some hospital downtown is taking volunteers. I'll keep ya'll updated.

That's in for now. Happy 4th.

PS: I just realized how many typos are still in blog after spell check. shit.